i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize
