And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
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