I could make wine with my vomit
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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