On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
