just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
