He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
