allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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