I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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