im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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