i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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