Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize