wanna go halves on a baby?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
My liver just had a heart attack.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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