i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
