That reminds me...we need to get swords
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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