now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
