I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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