I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
My underwear smells like fireworks.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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