I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
