everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
