Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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