Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
