Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
