you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
