i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
