PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
