On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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