I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
