U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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