Buhtt sex?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
