I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize