Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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