The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
