So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize