Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
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