Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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