Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize