guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
