Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize