I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Randomize
