i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
