Having a random hookup so left but love u
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
