It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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