I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
