My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
