My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Randomize
