I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Randomize
