Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
