He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
