Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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