Jerry, you need to find god
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
