I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
