My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
