Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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