Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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