I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
