Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
