When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize