Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
