But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
