Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
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