She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
