there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
